Waiting...

One of the harder lessons that I have learned these past few weeks is waiting. Waiting to hear your fate, waiting to have surgery, waiting for news......it's hard, it hurts, and it is trying. But, it is a lesson that I believe that I am getting better at. Well, at times anyways. For over 4 weeks now I have been waiting.

It will be a month exactly tomorrow that we lost you; a long, miserable, and complicated month. I have spent this past month wondering, crying, and trying to figure out what or why things went wrong. It is possible that tomorrow we find out.

My physical wounds are beyond healed, but my spiritual and emotional wounds have just begun. I have my 4 week check up tomorrow to assess all of my wounds, and for the doctor to decide if he thinks I am ready to face the world again. Hopefully it will be a day of closure, too. Tomorrow we expect to finally receive answers on "why?". We did make the painstaking decision to have an autopsy on you, and we are waiting and hoping to receive some kind of answer.

So, tonight I spend my time waiting.......waiting, wondering, crying, and praying that I can receive some peace of mind. With that said, I can only hope that you understand why this lesson of waiting has become so crucial to my life now. While you are being cuddled and comforted, I am waiting........I am waiting until the day you are finally mine to hold, rock, and sing to, and the day that I no longer have to wait.

Until that day, I will wait and dream of you.

I love you son, and I can not wait for that day.

Mommy