Back to reality...

Baby boy, tomorrow is the big day. It is the day that mommy has to face her fears, and her reality of getting back to life. Things have been so much easier without being faced with so many memories of you. I read something very true in another person's blog today, Vayden's mommy who also lost her baby boy wrote:

"I need you all to realize one thing about grief, it does not go away, and we don’t forget about it. Just because I am not a crying mess everyday doesn’t mean I don’t need you to check up on me. I am human and I hurt everyday for my loss. I’m humbled enough to know that Vayden had a bigger purpose in life and death, but that still doesn’t take away from the sharp pains I feel in my heart. I am grieving healthy and progressively healing, but I ask that you not forget about me or Vayden."

She couldn't have put it any better. Just because I am able to keep a straight face, or even through my tears, I do not want anyone to think that I have forgotten you or that I don't want them to say your name. You were alive in me and I shared you with the world for a reason; because you were everything to me.

I also found a beautiful poem that made me think so much about your daddy. I always ask him how he is feeling and doing, but that doesn't mean that I can see him on the inside. I know that he misses you, too.

Written by Eileen Knight Hagemeister

to her son-in-law after his baby girl was born still:

It must be very difficult

To be a man in grief,

Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"

No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult

To stand up to the test

And field calls and visitors

So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right

And what she's going through

But seldom take his hand and ask,

"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night

And thinks his heart will break

And dries her tears and comforts her

But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult

To start each day anew

And try to be so very brave ~

He lost his baby too. . . 

 

I still can not believe it has already been over a month. Tomorrow as I go back, I can not help but think I should be sharing your newborn photos, smiles, hugs, and congratulations. The world can be so cruel, and my heart so unkind. Instead of sitting there worrying if you are eating, being changed, and cuddled enough, I will be sitting there trying to live a new life. A life without you. 

 

I love you so much, Christopher. I miss you yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

 

I am waiting for you, and will see you soon.

 

Mommy