Trying to move forward....

So...today is the first day that I haven't cried in almost 4 weeks. (At least not yet). It's hard to say if I'm moving forward, or if maybe I'm just becoming numb. Maybe I've finally ran out of tears considering I cried the majority of the day yesterday. It doesn't take much these days. I'm sorry I didn't write to you sooner, but I've tried. It's hard for me to talk about you, because you were everything we could have hoped or dreamed of. You were suppose to complete our family.

I've looked at your picture nearly all day. You're so beautiful, but I only have this one picture of you right now. The picture doesn't do you justice, and it makes you look so lonely and frail. A wonderful woman from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep took more pictures of you, but I haven't gotten them yet. I check the mail every day in hopes that they have come. I can not wait to see them.

Your big sister has a dentist appointment tomorrow. She's exactly 3 years and 1 month today. They called and said they had an appointment available today if we wanted to come early, but Daddy is going to take you. It is still hard for me to be around a lot of people, especially when there are babies. I miss you so much and when I see mothers and fathers with their newborn babies, my heart breaks a little more inside. It's so hard, but I have faith that one day I will be able to face the crowds.

Yesterday was rough. I found a beautiful new song, but it reminds me of the horrible day that we found out we lost you. I know it sounds strange, but I bought that cd. I know one day I will be able to listen to it without losing it, and it will help me think of you. The song is called "Smallest Wingless" by Craig Cardiff, and these are the lyrics:

"Dear one, we've been waiting for you
Thrilled beside ourselves that you've arrived
White coats came in, heads held low
Talked for a bit, shuffled outside
We closed the curtains,Held each other,
And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.
And smallest wingless, oh you came to us
Leaving as soon as you'd arrived
But sadness is just love wasted
With no heart to place it inside
We closed the curtains, Held each other,
And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.
We closed the curtains
Held on to one another
And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye."

Your daddy misses you, too. He is such a great man. He holds me when I have rough nights, and if it wasn't for him I probably wouldn't have made it this far. He helps me with your big sister when the days get long. She's a beautiful little girl, but when you've lost your spirit, your patience goes with it. I know she understands though, and she asks about you often.

Well little one, I have to go for tonight. I could talk to you for hours, but the tears have started. I miss you every day and I love you.

Mommy