Back to reality...

Baby boy, tomorrow is the big day. It is the day that mommy has to face her fears, and her reality of getting back to life. Things have been so much easier without being faced with so many memories of you. I read something very true in another person's blog today, Vayden's mommy who also lost her baby boy wrote:

"I need you all to realize one thing about grief, it does not go away, and we don’t forget about it. Just because I am not a crying mess everyday doesn’t mean I don’t need you to check up on me. I am human and I hurt everyday for my loss. I’m humbled enough to know that Vayden had a bigger purpose in life and death, but that still doesn’t take away from the sharp pains I feel in my heart. I am grieving healthy and progressively healing, but I ask that you not forget about me or Vayden."

She couldn't have put it any better. Just because I am able to keep a straight face, or even through my tears, I do not want anyone to think that I have forgotten you or that I don't want them to say your name. You were alive in me and I shared you with the world for a reason; because you were everything to me.

I also found a beautiful poem that made me think so much about your daddy. I always ask him how he is feeling and doing, but that doesn't mean that I can see him on the inside. I know that he misses you, too.

Written by Eileen Knight Hagemeister

to her son-in-law after his baby girl was born still:

It must be very difficult

To be a man in grief,

Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"

No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult

To stand up to the test

And field calls and visitors

So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right

And what she's going through

But seldom take his hand and ask,

"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night

And thinks his heart will break

And dries her tears and comforts her

But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult

To start each day anew

And try to be so very brave ~

He lost his baby too. . . 

 

I still can not believe it has already been over a month. Tomorrow as I go back, I can not help but think I should be sharing your newborn photos, smiles, hugs, and congratulations. The world can be so cruel, and my heart so unkind. Instead of sitting there worrying if you are eating, being changed, and cuddled enough, I will be sitting there trying to live a new life. A life without you. 

 

I love you so much, Christopher. I miss you yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

 

I am waiting for you, and will see you soon.

 

Mommy

 

 

 

1 more day....

Well precious, not much to tell you about today. It was unfortunately a normal day, with normal happenings. Yet, nothing seems normal anymore without you with me. We ate dinner with your Mimi and Poppy, and your big sister and I helped them put up their tree (it's an artificial one). It was not as hard as I thought it would be, but then again it was pre-decorated, and no worries of the branches being empty. I guess when we decide to put ours up and home, my heart might not be so kind.

It's only one more day until I take that dreaded step back into society. Mommy starts work Monday, and I know I've already talked to you about this before. I am so scared and so anxious to go back. It will never be the same without beautiful pictures of taking you home. I will definitely be sharing your photos though. I guess it is just not the same when it is not accompanied by that beautiful new baby bliss. I know you understand.

Well my beautiful angel, mommy misses you and thinks of you daily. I can't wait until that day I hold your precious angel self in my arms.

I am waiting for you and I will see you soon.

Mommy

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving precious boy. It was definitely not the same without you. It as a long day, but we spent it with family. We had a lot of good food, and we got to enjoy the company of the ones we love. I had to pick up your Uncle Josh, and it was the first time we got to spend Thanksgiving with him a a few years. It was nice.

I did have my ups and downs, but I survived. I definitely had some tears, but I did not break down on anyone and I was proud. Your daddy and I lit that candle that we picked out especially for you. It was hard at first, but it was so comforting there beside your beautiful picture, to know that we had your warmth with us.

The weather here is getting colder. We definitely would have had to bundle you up tight. I would have loved to pick out winter outfits for you. Your sister and I had already bought a few outfits for you to be warm in. I had already pictured you coming home from the hospital in one of them.

I thought that since your daddy and I hadn't finished up your room yet, that it would be easier to come home and not be reminded of losing you so much. But, I was wrong. We bought a new car a few months ago to make room for you. We wanted to make sure that you and your sister had plenty of room. Now I'm reminded of that every time that I look into the rearview mirror and I don't see your infant carrier. We also got rid of the carpet in the living room and the hallways. We wanted to make sure that you had nice, clean floors to do tummy time, crawl for the first time, and to take your first steps. I'm sure that everything is nicer though where you are. It just hurts not to see you here.

Well my son, Mommy is going for the night. I love you and missed you so much today. Happy Thanksgiving, and please tell the angels that we are so thankful that they are taking care of you.

I'm waiting for you baby, and I can't wait until the day I see your beautiful face again.

Mommy <3

Fear...

Well little one, tomorrow is a big day for mommy. It's our first holiday without you. I am so anxious, scared, and most of all, sad. I'm not ready to face reality yet, but now I don't have a choice.

Your daddy and I spent the day today shopping for you. We went to a thousand stores trying to find a special candle that we can light for you tomorrow. We thought we had found the perfect one until we came to another store. It is small and clear. It also takes oil so we don't have to worry about the candle running out. I don't think I could take that this holiday. It is perfect, for now. I am going to be ordering a special one with your name on it, but it wasn't going to be here in time.

Daddy also got a tattoo in your memory today. He is so proud of it. He told me that it was on his left arm, and he is left-handed, so that now you will always be working with him. It has your perfect little footprints in it so he can look down and always know that you are with him. Mommy also has one, too. We miss you so much.

Well baby boy, mommy is going for tonight, but I will spend a beautiful day thinking of you tomorrow. I love you more than life itself, and no one will ever understand how much I miss you.

I am waiting for you little Christopher.

Mommy

Happy One Month Angel-versary!

Baby boy, I've missed you so much today. This month has come and gone so fast. It has been full of the happiest, and the worst moments of my life. Of course I had the joys of meeting you, but saying goodbye was the hardest thing I will ever do.

Today has been a very hard day for mommy. We visited my doctor this morning, and we didn't get the answers that we were hoping to. My doctor says that you did have a small heart defect, but he says it was not the reason that you are gone. Your chromosomal studies weren't back yet. I have a feeling that even when those are back, we still won't know why. My doctor seemed pretty confident that it was just a fluke. It was so hard to hear because I want to know why, and how you left us.

I haven't been getting much sleep lately. I spend most nights thinking about you, and who you were, and who you would be. Every beautiful pregnant woman at that doctors office made my pain even more real. We should have been going for our 8 month check last week, instead I am going to hear autopsy reports. It's so incredibly hard, and mommy has never hurt so much.

I went today and found some beautiful frames to give as gifts. It talks about God's special angels, and I knew that it would be perfect for you. I got one for us to have at home, one for your Mimi and Poppy, and one for your Nana and Pawpaw. I also had a few of your pictures printed out to go in them. They go perfectly together.

I also decided today that I am going back to work Monday. Mommy is so scared, but I know that we will get through this. If I made it through this month, I know that I will make it even further. I've never known such sorrows existed. Daddy worrys about me a lot, and he even took a few hours off from work so that he could be with me at the doctor's. I love him so much, and he would have given the world to you.

Well my beautiful little man, please say a prayer for Mommy tonight. The next week is going to be a hard one. Know that all my love is with you, and that I am waiting for you.

Mommy

Waiting...

One of the harder lessons that I have learned these past few weeks is waiting. Waiting to hear your fate, waiting to have surgery, waiting for news......it's hard, it hurts, and it is trying. But, it is a lesson that I believe that I am getting better at. Well, at times anyways. For over 4 weeks now I have been waiting.

It will be a month exactly tomorrow that we lost you; a long, miserable, and complicated month. I have spent this past month wondering, crying, and trying to figure out what or why things went wrong. It is possible that tomorrow we find out.

My physical wounds are beyond healed, but my spiritual and emotional wounds have just begun. I have my 4 week check up tomorrow to assess all of my wounds, and for the doctor to decide if he thinks I am ready to face the world again. Hopefully it will be a day of closure, too. Tomorrow we expect to finally receive answers on "why?". We did make the painstaking decision to have an autopsy on you, and we are waiting and hoping to receive some kind of answer.

So, tonight I spend my time waiting.......waiting, wondering, crying, and praying that I can receive some peace of mind. With that said, I can only hope that you understand why this lesson of waiting has become so crucial to my life now. While you are being cuddled and comforted, I am waiting........I am waiting until the day you are finally mine to hold, rock, and sing to, and the day that I no longer have to wait.

Until that day, I will wait and dream of you.

I love you son, and I can not wait for that day.

Mommy  

Today I finished up the video in your memory. I finally received your pictures yesterday and it was bittersweet. They turned out beautiful,  but I felt like I was re-living those moments all over again. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Your daddy came home a little early because he was worried about me. I told him I was fine, but I imagine my voice said otherwise.

It was hard enough to lose you the first time, to feel like I was losing you again was like torture. Yet, it helped me let out a lot of tears that I had been holding back. I also got to see beautiful hands and feet again. I've thought about you a lot today.

The holidays are coming up. Just next week is Thanksgiving. I have a lot to be thankful for, but it is going to be so lonely without you here. I never fathomed that I would be spending these special occassions without you. Seeing all of the "baby's first" in the store hurts so much.

Your sister finally asked the questions that I have been waiting on today. "Why is my brother with God?". "Why is him at God's house, I want him to come to my house..". I honestly don't even remember what I told her. Hearing those dreaded words come out in her little voice made me feel so helpless and hopeless. It's hard to explain to her that we will see you again, and that you won't be coming home here on earth.

Goodnight son. I miss you, and I will see you soon.

Love,
Mommy

Another day...

Well, today was a long day. Your daddy took your big sister to the dentist today. They reported that everything went okay. I waited and sat around. I guess I really didn't get a whole lot accomplished around here.

We did go to your Mimi's and Poppy's today. It was a bad day for me so I didn't say much. Your Mimi was making a baby blanket for a pregnant lady that is in the hospital on bed rest. I have to admit that I was so jealous. I just kept thinking that the blanket should have been yours, and how I could only wish that I was in the hospital on bedrest with you still inside of me. I guess that's not reality though. Then your big sister asked your Mimi if she would "make my brother a blanket". I turned my head as a cried. I'm scared that no one will understand. We left earlier then we normally do. I just wasn't up for visiting today.

Your pictures still haven't come yet. I used to cry when they weren't in the mail, now I'm just angry. It's been almost 4 weeks, and I want to be able to put your pictures on our wall. I already have a special place picked out. I had already imagined your newborn baby pictures in that spot, but now they are reserved for your memories.

I go to the doctor next week. I'm already dreading it. I hate that office so much now. Me and you spent so much time there waiting for them to say everything looks great, and to schedule our next appointment. It doesn't seem fair that I should have to go now that you are gone. We even brought your big sister with us to see your 20 week ultrasound. You were so active, and we laughed and smiled when you kept crossing your legs so we couldn't see if you were a boy or girl. Our technician was able to get one perfect shot though that showed exactly which one you were. Daddy was so excited; he had always dreamed of raising up son. He will one day...

We love you so much and think of you all the time. I miss you with all of my heart.

Mommy

Trying to move forward....

So...today is the first day that I haven't cried in almost 4 weeks. (At least not yet). It's hard to say if I'm moving forward, or if maybe I'm just becoming numb. Maybe I've finally ran out of tears considering I cried the majority of the day yesterday. It doesn't take much these days. I'm sorry I didn't write to you sooner, but I've tried. It's hard for me to talk about you, because you were everything we could have hoped or dreamed of. You were suppose to complete our family.

I've looked at your picture nearly all day. You're so beautiful, but I only have this one picture of you right now. The picture doesn't do you justice, and it makes you look so lonely and frail. A wonderful woman from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep took more pictures of you, but I haven't gotten them yet. I check the mail every day in hopes that they have come. I can not wait to see them.

Your big sister has a dentist appointment tomorrow. She's exactly 3 years and 1 month today. They called and said they had an appointment available today if we wanted to come early, but Daddy is going to take you. It is still hard for me to be around a lot of people, especially when there are babies. I miss you so much and when I see mothers and fathers with their newborn babies, my heart breaks a little more inside. It's so hard, but I have faith that one day I will be able to face the crowds.

Yesterday was rough. I found a beautiful new song, but it reminds me of the horrible day that we found out we lost you. I know it sounds strange, but I bought that cd. I know one day I will be able to listen to it without losing it, and it will help me think of you. The song is called "Smallest Wingless" by Craig Cardiff, and these are the lyrics:

"Dear one, we've been waiting for you
Thrilled beside ourselves that you've arrived
White coats came in, heads held low
Talked for a bit, shuffled outside
We closed the curtains,Held each other,
And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.
And smallest wingless, oh you came to us
Leaving as soon as you'd arrived
But sadness is just love wasted
With no heart to place it inside
We closed the curtains, Held each other,
And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.
We closed the curtains
Held on to one another
And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye."

Your daddy misses you, too. He is such a great man. He holds me when I have rough nights, and if it wasn't for him I probably wouldn't have made it this far. He helps me with your big sister when the days get long. She's a beautiful little girl, but when you've lost your spirit, your patience goes with it. I know she understands though, and she asks about you often.

Well little one, I have to go for tonight. I could talk to you for hours, but the tears have started. I miss you every day and I love you.

Mommy