Laying on of hands...



Today at church, the pastor explored a well known subject......the laying on of hands. I've watched those late night tele-evangelists and watched them smack the healing of God into the heads of believers. Of course, I have always been a skeptic, but today was different. It wasn't talking about the preachers who command you to send your visa payment to support the healing of God, but about the human touch and it's healing powers accompanied by the belief in God. Anyways....I'm rambling.

Today I felt first hand the healing, and it has left me........well.....speechless. The pastor called those who are hurting and broken (I was shouting "me, me!" on the inside) to stand, and for the people around them to pray and place their hands on them. I wasn't going to stand up, but my husband turned and looked at me, took my hand, and pulled me up. I just shook uncontrollably. Then, the couple that stood behind us placed their hands on us, and I felt peace. I've heard people say things like that before, and never could imagine (or maybe believe), but today I felt it and...it was amazing.

It seems that now I should feel blessed, or healed, or even relief; but now I just feel even more lost and confused (if that's even possible). I feel like before it was not so crazy to feel this disdain, this emptiness, and this numbness. But, now I feel like I am wrong to feel these things, and that I should just run and and shout that I am great to the world. I'm not. I'm still hurting, and I'm still.....me.

To the one person that will read this....

Beings that I don't really write anything interesting, and most of my posts are depressing; it's not a surprise that I don't have many people that read this blog. So to the one person that will be reading this, I'm broken. I'm lost. I'm scared.

I don't know where to go from here. I feel like a failure, and I have fallen far from prayer (but yes I still believe in God). It's hard enough to take care of myself, but I'm still responsible for my daughter. Life has made me numb. I still follow the motions, but I have no more thoughts of my own. I'm drowning in the sea of life.

I wake up some days and I feel fine, others I just want to stay in bed. I imagine this is completely normal for someone going through what I am, but it is so damn frightening. It's a difficult place when you realize that you truly no longer care. I don't care where I'm going today, and I don't care where I'm going tomorrow. Life resumes it's day to day, regardless of where I stand. Even when you turn to people, they don't seem to care either. It's such a strange, and devastating place to be.

I'm not saying that I'm going to do anything stupid (because I'm not), but I just feel like I have become completely numb and apathetic to everything. I don't care what I eat, I don't care where I sleep. The only thing that I care about is that my daughter is fed, and safe. Otherwise, leave me alone. I feel alone. I feel empty.

Another day...

One of the best and cruelest things I have learned over the past year is time. Time encompasses every aspect of our lives. It dictates our past, present, and our futures. It determines what we do today, and how we plan tomorrow. It sounds simple enough, but it is the reason that life is so hard.

Time has given me a second chance at life. It doesn't mend, but it makes our difficulties a little more tolerable. It gives us the opportunity to grow and to change. It gives us life.

Yet, time is also the factor that holds me back. Time does not stop when life is cast into oblivion. Time can not stop so that you can mourn your past. Time will not slow when you need a chance to mend.

If only for a moment, I wish that time would stand still so that I can mourn, heal, and begin to live again. But, for now I will fall back into time, and continue my life as it is scheduled to be.

Does GOD hate?...

Well, my little Junior, you now have a sibling in heaven with you. A brother, or a sister, I'm not sure. But they are with you now. I always thought that it was only possible to have "a" worst day of your life. I sure proved that wrong today. An experience that I thought I would only live once, repeated itself today. It was different of course, but now my heart has fallen to pieces.

After starting to pick the pieces of our lives again, your Daddy and I were dealt a blow today. Yes, we thought we were going for an ultrasound Tuesday to hear the beating of your new sibling's heart, but instead, we only heard the beating of our own.

Does GOD hate us??

I'm sure the answer is no, but after losing two children, it's hard to think otherwise. I'm broken, scarred, and apathetic to our lives ahead. One day I will be okay, but for today, I mourn our children.

Life today...

Well, Chris's truck broke down again today (too many times to count now), we can't afford our electric bill, and Chris and I both have what I think is bronchitis. But, I am still overjoyed! Why.....well because we are blessed. We are blessed in our hearts, in our souls, and in one other huge way. Secrets, secrets...... mine to keep!

I feel like the world is spinning around me, and I am standing still. My mind can not wrap around the days and weeks to come. I am thrilled and scared all at the same time. Life will never be the same, and it has not been for a while now. I am leaning on God to help us figure out the road ahead, and I know from experience that he will provide.

So, for now I will smile this crazy smile, and laugh on the inside. I might be a little crazy, but it is worth it.

Poor, pitiful me...

....or not. Life seems to look a little brighter these days (or shall I say most days). Beyond the fog that was my previous life, I have comfortably settled into a new one. It includes less friends, and a hatred for the telephone, but all in all a better outlook.

So, I am happy to report that yesterday we returned to a church for a second visit. (And not just because it was the only one we had ever been to! WOO!). It actually started with Chris announcing to me at 10:15 that he wanted to go to church. After several seconds of thinking "Holy moly, it's already 10:15, church starts at 11, I haven't even showered!", I happily obliged. After all, I never turn down a chance to go to church with my family (immediate family that is :)) It turned into 30 minutes of utter chaos, but we actually made it in time (well at least the sermon hadn't started yet). It was a nice. There was talk about how you need a support system to stand the storms. I guess that would have come in handy a few months ago, but I'll take it whenever I can get it.

Later, we ate lunch and then went to my new favorite store, Michaels! Woo hoo! I was able to buy entirely too much stuff for my new favorite hobby, crocheting! Yes, like little old lady crocheting. I'm even apparently good at it. (Maybe that's why I like it so much!) I've made baby blankets, baby jackets, booties, and even a little necklace for Marleigh. My ultimate intentions are to be able to be quick and good enough to make a stash to donate to the hospital I work at (and where I lost my son at) so that I can repay the love that was given to my baby. I will post pictures eventually of my creations! As for now, back into my little world full of crochet and the distant sounds of my little girl playing. As for tomorrow, a different story.

Tomorrow I get the pleasure of having more blood drawn, and probably more medication. (Like I haven't taken enough pills, and given enough blood this year). But, when your body hates you, these things happen. Who knows, maybe today will be full of miracles instead of utter disappointments. Hey, I have hope!

A little bit of living...

So, this week we have done so much. Marleigh has a new playhouse, and Junior a new garden!

 Plus, Chris and I got to go to the beach for our anniversary! We had SO much fun! It was the first time we have "gotten away" just the two of us, since losing our precious little one. The beach was beautiful, and GOD answered my prayers for a day of sunshine. When we woke up Monday morning, it was hazy and cloudy, and by 11 or so.......sunshine!

I brought my camera with me, and only took a few photos. But, I definitely got some special ones! Plus, we found this marvelous stuffed animal that includes naming a star online! Tomorrow I will register Marleigh and Junior to have their own star!! YAY! It's so amazing how such simple things mean so much these days!

Also, Daddy doesn't know it yet, but tomorrow we will be going to get some things to finish the garden. (Or maybe he will get lucky, and I won't torture him yet!)

One last thought, tomorrow (Yes, Cinco De Mayo!) is Chris and my anniversary! Four beautiful years. We've literally been through EVERYTHING, and we are still standing strong. Although we have had our share of arguements, God is good. Some days it is hard to see through the clouds, but we are blessed. I try to remind myself everyday that we have a roof over our heads, shoes on our feet, and we definitely have no shortage of food in our bellies. Sometimes I like to think I have the best of both worlds. A beautiful little girl that keeps me smiling everyday, and a perfect angel baby boy that awaits me when my time is done here. For this moment, life is good.

Turning over to a new chapter...

So baby boy, so much has happened and so much has changed these last few weeks. Yet, nothing really seems different at all. I've had bad weeks and good weeks, but all in all I think I'm okay.

I originally wrote this blog to share my thoughts and feelings with you, but now I think it is time to move in a different direction. I don't love you any less, or not want to talk to you anymore, but I think I am finally strong enough to talk to you out loud. Yes, I never thought I would say that, but it is true. It has been almost 6 months now, so Daddy and I are going to build you a garden so we can sit and chat. I'm sure it sounds silly to some people, but I am so excited. I will have a place all my own to sit and think of you. We will make it beautiful, just wait and see!

Your cousin Dakota turns 3 this weekend so we will be spending some of Sunday with him. Your other cousin Benjamin has a baseball game (that I would have LOVED to take you to) tomorrow, so we will  be spending it with him. Your big sister Marleigh has a soccer game tonight, so we will be spending it with her. We both have a busy few days coming up, but I am glad. Mommy has been having some personal issues, so it will be nice to get out and have something else on my mind.

I will still be posting here, but it will be updates on the family, and future happenings to share with everyone. Mommy has a job where something new and crazy happens every day, so I'm sure there will be plenty to talk about. It just takes a toll on the body to dwell on sadness, so I am trying to move ahead and to stay positive. I will never forget you, replace you, or stop thinking about you.

I love you more than you could ever imaging, and I am still waiting for you. I can't wait to meet you again. I have so much to tell you and so much to teach you. I will see you again soon. Love you so much.

Mommy

Your first Easter

Today I thanked God for many things. I thanked him for family, friends, food, clothing, and my beautiful children. I got to show you off Friday for the first time in a while. Someone asked me how many children I had, and they cared enough to let me show them the pictures I have of you. They will never know how much that meant to me.

I still think of you daily, and today was no different. Today would have been many firsts for you. You would have had your first Easter egg hunt, first Easter portraits, and your first time dying eggs. I would have taken hundreds of pictures, and included you in every event. Although I carried you with me, it was still not the same. Your big sister woke up this morning and got her Easter basket; she is always very enthusiastic about all her gifts. We lit your candle, and gave you your first Easter present. It wasn't much, but I immediately thought of you when I saw it. For whatever reason, every time I see little lambs I think of you. I guess it is our special secret. Here is the one I picked out for you.

I love you so much and would have much rather have had you here today. In between all of the chaos and the fun, I am still so grateful for what we have. But, boy is it hard without you here. You would have been, and you are my little prince. I will always treat you that way. Please save a place for me, because one day you will be in my arms. I can't wait to hold you again. I hope and pray that your Easter was the most wonderful celebration. I love you son, and miss you more than words can describe.

Mommy

Another rainy day...

Unfortunately, I've been sick this past week. Sickness means down time, which leads to time to think. That's all I've done, is think about you. While going through some of our things, I found a poem I wrote. It's not much, but it's my heart. I love you so much.

I pray in the morning,

That the sun will not shine.

I pray when I wake up,

You will still be all mine.

I kiss your soft cheeks,

And I stroke your fine hair.

I hold you tight in my arms,

My soul is yours to bare.

I see your first smile,

Your face sets me free.

I hold your tiny hand,

But all in my dreams.

I pray in the morning,

That the sun will not shine,

Because when that first ray touches,                      You are no longer mine.

Miss you with all of my heart,

Mommy

Just thinking of you....

Well, we've passed the four month mark. It seems as time has flew by, but at the same time it has dragged on. It is still such a confusing memory. It is one filled with horror, love, and bitter sweet times. I can't believe it has already been this long, but I still think of you every day. I know that I would have gotten to give you your first bite of baby food. Your big sister loved it, and I'm sure you would have, too. I think about which food we would have tried first, and how I would have let Marleigh help me. She loves helping, and gets so much gratitiude from it.

You would be learning to sit up, too. We would be doing lots of tummy time, and flash cards to show you bright new pictures and colors. I wonder what color eyes you would have. If they would have started off blue like your sisters, and then slowly turned brown like Mommy's and Daddy's. There were so many memories left to make, and sometimes I have a hard time letting go. I thank God for the time that I did have with you, and sometimes wish for more. But, I know my time will come. For this, I am forever grateful.

I love you so much Christopher, and I can't wait until the day we get to experience all of these first. I am already proud, and I know there is much more in store.

I am waiting for you, and I love you more than you will ever know.

Mommy

Happy Valentines Day!

Happy Valentines Day baby boy! Oh, how Mommy missed you today! I have thought about you oh so much the last few days. We got a whopping 4 inches of snow Friday! I thought of how I would have bundled you up, and how you would have reacted to the big snow flakes landing gently on your cheeks. I also thought about how I would have taken your picture beside your big sister, and beside the snowmen.

I hope you got to share Valentines with all of your heavenly friends, and that you got to think of me today, too. I know your big sister would have tried to sneak you candies, because she loves you so much. I can not wait until you both get to officially meet. You will be absolutely in love with her. She is the perfect big sister!

Your daddy and I got you a new gift the other day. It is so pretty, and I know that you have already seen it. It is a statue with a picture frame at the top, and a little lamb at the bottom that says "Jesus Loves Me". Reverend Ron Holland read that song at your memorial service, so I immediately thought of you when I saw it. I hope you like it, and I will be putting a picture in it soon.

I still find myself taking so long to get things accomplished. I guess on the days when I feel a little better, it is hard to bring myself back to reality. Therefore, I just ignore it. I know it is probably not the best thing to do, but it will come in it's own time. I know that for sure!

Well Christopher, I love you so much. I hope today was more beautiful than my imagination could ever let me know. I am waiting for you, and I will see you soon.

Love,
Mommy

Just thinking of you...

I am getting ready to go to work this morning, and I just can't seem to keep you off of my mind. I still think of you everyday, and I know you would have been so big by now. I'm sure you would be holding your head up, smiling, and cooing. Mommy is so sad that she has to miss all of that.

I know it is going to be a busy day today, so I won't get much time to think about myself. And, that is okay. Sometimes I wonder if people in heaven do really get to look down and watch over the people that they had to leave behind. If you do, what do you think of me?

Mommy

Your mama...the worrier.

Yesterday we found out that your big sister needs a xray. It's probably nothing serious, or possibly nothing at all. But, with you so fresh on my mind, I can't imagine ANYTHING being wrong with her. I guess we will find out Monday if all of my worrying has been in vain. (Which of course I hope it has).

Not much has changed since the last time I wrote you. Daddy is finishing up his last semester of school (with a lot of pushing from me) so that he can finally get a job doing something he half way enjoys. Plus he will finally get out of the environmental hazards that he is in everyday now with his job. Mommy is very proud of him, and I'm sure you are too. A few years ago it didn't seem like either one of us would ever finish college. Now Mommy is a nurse, and Daddy will soon be an industrial electrician. (It sounds so important doesn't it?)The both of us have definitely been through a lot these last few years, but we are so much stronger because of it, and because of you.

Daddy's birthday is coming up next month, and Mommy is trying to figure out some kind of way to make it special. He deserves it. But for now, we are just trying to get by one day at a time. It is not getting any easier without you here, but we are both learning to live again.

We both miss you so much, and love you more each day. I can't wait to see you again, and you know that I am waiting for you. Save me a special spot, and put in a good word for me! I love you oh so much.

Mommy

Beginning the new year...

I have thought of you often today. It is not a special occassion, and no special day to mention of. I just miss you. I am working on getting healthier, so that whenever God decides to bless our family with another little one, I will be ready. I am still working on the eating habits, but I have gotten better about exercising. It was really hard at first, but with some good music and a good book it is getting easier. It also gives me alone time to remember you.

We have some important days coming up, and I will tell you about them later. I am nervous, but it isn't anything that your daddy and I can't get through. We really enjoyed our trip to Tennessee, and the memories we created for you. Your daddy and I still love each other so much, and I am so proud to say that these hard days have not made us like each other any less.

We miss you so much, and I think of you all of the time. Wish your mommy luck to getting healthier, and send a little love my way.

I can't wait to hold you again, and I am waiting for you.

Mommy

Our date...

I know I haven't written in a while, but life has been really hectic lately. As you know, we have celebrated a lot of holidays and dates lately that have been really hard without you here. Today was the most important one of all. The last doctor's visit that we went to when you were alive, he told us that today would be the day that you would be scheduled to be born by c-section. But, of course things changed.

It was hard waking up this morning, not in bliss. We should have awakened with feelings of excitement, anxiety, and just pure joy. We didn't. We woke up knowing that today we wouldn't be meeting you for the first time, and it was hard.

I hope you got the flowers we sent you. I still think about you every day. Marleigh was excited to send you her flower, and she even has one of her own so that she can have one like you. The view was spectacular, and I have never felt closer to you since you've been gone.

I pray all of the time that God will bring me comfort, because most of the time I feel so lonely without you. I know in my heart that you are where you are suppose to be, but I also know as a mother that I would rather have you with me. Life is hard, and I'm glad you didn't have to live through the perils here. You are so blessed to have only known the life that you live. I will understand one day, but for now I still feel so hopeless. I miss you baby boy, and you will always be such a huge part of my heart.

Please wait for me, because I am waiting for you. I will see you soon, and please send your sister and daddy a lot of love today, because we miss you so much.

Mommy