Being a mommy again....

I can't believe she is already four weeks old. Makayla has added so much joy to our lives. Things are so much different then I expected them to be though. I knew that I would never quit having theses feelings for our little boy, but I didn't know that she would bring them all flooding back.

The day she was born I sat holding her, and all I could see was him. To this day I can look at her in my rearview mirror and see his face. I feel like I'm losing him all over again, because as she grows I see less of him. It just reminds me of everything we missed......smiles in his sleep, crying just to be cuddled, and putting on cute little outfits just to hear compliments from strangers. We missed it all.

I wish so much that I could hold him again, and to see his face on his body. I wish that I could take back our time in the hospital, and request to hold them until they had to take his body. I wish I could cuddle him, and memorize every inch of his body. I wish I wouldn't have been asleep when they delivered him. I wish I wouldn't have been so foggy when they brought him to me. I wish I could have given him his first and last bath. I wish he was here.

I don't know what I expected to feel when Makayla was born, but I definitely didn't know that this would be it.  I couldn't be happier to hold her, to talk to her, and to be her mommy; but I was a mommy to a little boy once before her. I miss him.

32 weeks and counting...

As the day gets closer, I get more and more excited, and more and more nervous. I am so incredibly uncomfortable, hot (with each day averaging in the 100*s), and tired, but at the same time I feel so good. People tell me all of the time that I am just "glowing". I can't help it, it's incredible having a new life moving and growing inside of you.

I start my weekly visits next week, and non stress tests. I'm so scared for the first one, because the last time I was connected to a non stress monitor was the same day that we learned our son was gone. I've been so lucky and so blessed that things are going so well this time, and I can only hope and pray that each day continues the same way.

I am so ready (when the time comes) to hold this new little girl in my arms, I'm ready for sleepless nights, and I'm ready for her big sister to be able to hold her and to ask all of the little questions that she deserves to ask. It's crushing to hear her ask if this baby gets to come home with us, and it doesn't seem fair that she should even have the chance to ask these kinds of questions.

Makayla Grace, I can't wait to meet you and to show you each and every day how loved you truly are.

Wow....

It has been such a long time since I have been on here. So much has happened since January. We've celebrated holidays, birthdays, I've changed jobs, and Marleigh has grown so much. Sunday was Mother's Day, and it was the first time I have cried like that in so long. I felt okay for most of the day, then it all hit me at once. I cried for our son, I cried for myself, I cried for a little girl who could use a little boy to play with right now. One day, I know.....

I also can't believe I am 27 weeks pregnant with a very, very active little girl. It's all so bittersweet. Next week I will be just as far with her, as I was with our beautiful son. It's frightening, but I am trying to take it one day at a time. I am truly a mess, and overwhelmed, but I have good feelings about this pregnancy. I hope it's not just the crazy hormones that I am feeling.

Well, for now everything seems to be okay, so I will trudge along.......and pray that this little girl makes it into our arms.

Change...

Over the past few months I have been embracing change, and what comes along with it. After a VERY rough year, things always seem to have a way of turning around. My husband's truck burst into flames, and the next day while trying to figure out what we're going to do, a fellow coworker informs me that he has an old truck that he was going to take to the junkyard. All he wants it's the price of scrap (which is dirt cheap). We of course said yes, and now my husband is driving in an old, beat up, God send. The truck is reliable, and it needs less work than the truck he was in. Of course it is nothing to marvel at, but it cranks every time, and we are sooo thankful for it.

In a few weeks, I will be changing jobs as well. Something new, innovative, and I am scared out of my mind. But, I know this opportunity was placed in my path for a reason. I'm sure I will struggle at first, but I know in the future, that this will all come together.

We have definitely learned to embrace hardships, and to always look around the corner. Even in the worst of times, things always seem to find a way to work themselves out (even if it is not in the way we had hoped for). My family and I are not wealthy in money in the least bit, and we struggle from check to check, but we are incredibly blessed. When we don't know where our next payment is coming from, something comes around. I can't begin to explain the blessings that we have seen.

I know that there will always be things we won't understand here on earth, and I will never pretend to try. But God always, always, always seems to pull us out. For that, I am so thankful.....even in the worst of times. For today, life is good.

My Son (originally posted 9-16-09)

I haven't been able to talk about him much, not because I don't care, but because it hurts so much. I've had bad days and my share of battle scars, but nothing compares to these last weeks, and I'm sure the ones to come.

I spent the last 7 months in absolute baby bliss. My coworkers and family all shared in daily updates from what foods I had been craving, to how big my belly had grown that day. Not a single person that I passed during the days failed to mention something about my beautiful growing baby boy.

What seemed to be an absolutely perfect pregnancy, came crashing down on October 24, 2009. My husband had to get up early for work; a little after 4 am. I woke up when he did with an absolute feeling of dread. I poked, and I probed, and I pushed as hard as I could. My baby didn't push back. He was always so active and full of life, so when I didn't get his response I knew in my heart. I came to my husband in tears, and he immediately called his mother to watch our little girl.

The time it took us to get to the hopsital was some of the longest moments of my life. It was almost 6 am when we arrived. My husband continued to reassure me, as I reassure him that everything was not "alright". The nurses came in to listen to my baby's heartbeat, but the only one that they could get was mine. After several attempts, and several different nurses, they notified my doctor. He was on his way to do an ultrasound.

After several more dreaded minutes, the doctor arrived. I tearfully had to explain to him why I was there, and how my baby was not moving like I knew he should. He found our baby on ultrasound, and he proceeded to show my husband our baby's heart. I could not see the monitor, so I quickly asked "is it beating?". That's when the doctor looked at me with a face that I will remember forever, and he said what I as a mother already knew...."no". I lost it.

The next few moments were spent with tears and questions that we never could have been prepared to answer. Which funeral home to use, questions of autopsy, and so on. Our lives were turned upside down in an instant. A week to the day before, we were just celebrating our little girl's third birthday. She was expecting a baby "brotha". So what now? This page is dedicated to my son, and these are the words that I can't seem to say outloud.

Laying on of hands...



Today at church, the pastor explored a well known subject......the laying on of hands. I've watched those late night tele-evangelists and watched them smack the healing of God into the heads of believers. Of course, I have always been a skeptic, but today was different. It wasn't talking about the preachers who command you to send your visa payment to support the healing of God, but about the human touch and it's healing powers accompanied by the belief in God. Anyways....I'm rambling.

Today I felt first hand the healing, and it has left me........well.....speechless. The pastor called those who are hurting and broken (I was shouting "me, me!" on the inside) to stand, and for the people around them to pray and place their hands on them. I wasn't going to stand up, but my husband turned and looked at me, took my hand, and pulled me up. I just shook uncontrollably. Then, the couple that stood behind us placed their hands on us, and I felt peace. I've heard people say things like that before, and never could imagine (or maybe believe), but today I felt it and...it was amazing.

It seems that now I should feel blessed, or healed, or even relief; but now I just feel even more lost and confused (if that's even possible). I feel like before it was not so crazy to feel this disdain, this emptiness, and this numbness. But, now I feel like I am wrong to feel these things, and that I should just run and and shout that I am great to the world. I'm not. I'm still hurting, and I'm still.....me.

To the one person that will read this....

Beings that I don't really write anything interesting, and most of my posts are depressing; it's not a surprise that I don't have many people that read this blog. So to the one person that will be reading this, I'm broken. I'm lost. I'm scared.

I don't know where to go from here. I feel like a failure, and I have fallen far from prayer (but yes I still believe in God). It's hard enough to take care of myself, but I'm still responsible for my daughter. Life has made me numb. I still follow the motions, but I have no more thoughts of my own. I'm drowning in the sea of life.

I wake up some days and I feel fine, others I just want to stay in bed. I imagine this is completely normal for someone going through what I am, but it is so damn frightening. It's a difficult place when you realize that you truly no longer care. I don't care where I'm going today, and I don't care where I'm going tomorrow. Life resumes it's day to day, regardless of where I stand. Even when you turn to people, they don't seem to care either. It's such a strange, and devastating place to be.

I'm not saying that I'm going to do anything stupid (because I'm not), but I just feel like I have become completely numb and apathetic to everything. I don't care what I eat, I don't care where I sleep. The only thing that I care about is that my daughter is fed, and safe. Otherwise, leave me alone. I feel alone. I feel empty.