My Son (originally posted 9-16-09)

I haven't been able to talk about him much, not because I don't care, but because it hurts so much. I've had bad days and my share of battle scars, but nothing compares to these last weeks, and I'm sure the ones to come.

I spent the last 7 months in absolute baby bliss. My coworkers and family all shared in daily updates from what foods I had been craving, to how big my belly had grown that day. Not a single person that I passed during the days failed to mention something about my beautiful growing baby boy.

What seemed to be an absolutely perfect pregnancy, came crashing down on October 24, 2009. My husband had to get up early for work; a little after 4 am. I woke up when he did with an absolute feeling of dread. I poked, and I probed, and I pushed as hard as I could. My baby didn't push back. He was always so active and full of life, so when I didn't get his response I knew in my heart. I came to my husband in tears, and he immediately called his mother to watch our little girl.

The time it took us to get to the hopsital was some of the longest moments of my life. It was almost 6 am when we arrived. My husband continued to reassure me, as I reassure him that everything was not "alright". The nurses came in to listen to my baby's heartbeat, but the only one that they could get was mine. After several attempts, and several different nurses, they notified my doctor. He was on his way to do an ultrasound.

After several more dreaded minutes, the doctor arrived. I tearfully had to explain to him why I was there, and how my baby was not moving like I knew he should. He found our baby on ultrasound, and he proceeded to show my husband our baby's heart. I could not see the monitor, so I quickly asked "is it beating?". That's when the doctor looked at me with a face that I will remember forever, and he said what I as a mother already knew...."no". I lost it.

The next few moments were spent with tears and questions that we never could have been prepared to answer. Which funeral home to use, questions of autopsy, and so on. Our lives were turned upside down in an instant. A week to the day before, we were just celebrating our little girl's third birthday. She was expecting a baby "brotha". So what now? This page is dedicated to my son, and these are the words that I can't seem to say outloud.