Laying on of hands...



Today at church, the pastor explored a well known subject......the laying on of hands. I've watched those late night tele-evangelists and watched them smack the healing of God into the heads of believers. Of course, I have always been a skeptic, but today was different. It wasn't talking about the preachers who command you to send your visa payment to support the healing of God, but about the human touch and it's healing powers accompanied by the belief in God. Anyways....I'm rambling.

Today I felt first hand the healing, and it has left me........well.....speechless. The pastor called those who are hurting and broken (I was shouting "me, me!" on the inside) to stand, and for the people around them to pray and place their hands on them. I wasn't going to stand up, but my husband turned and looked at me, took my hand, and pulled me up. I just shook uncontrollably. Then, the couple that stood behind us placed their hands on us, and I felt peace. I've heard people say things like that before, and never could imagine (or maybe believe), but today I felt it and...it was amazing.

It seems that now I should feel blessed, or healed, or even relief; but now I just feel even more lost and confused (if that's even possible). I feel like before it was not so crazy to feel this disdain, this emptiness, and this numbness. But, now I feel like I am wrong to feel these things, and that I should just run and and shout that I am great to the world. I'm not. I'm still hurting, and I'm still.....me.

To the one person that will read this....

Beings that I don't really write anything interesting, and most of my posts are depressing; it's not a surprise that I don't have many people that read this blog. So to the one person that will be reading this, I'm broken. I'm lost. I'm scared.

I don't know where to go from here. I feel like a failure, and I have fallen far from prayer (but yes I still believe in God). It's hard enough to take care of myself, but I'm still responsible for my daughter. Life has made me numb. I still follow the motions, but I have no more thoughts of my own. I'm drowning in the sea of life.

I wake up some days and I feel fine, others I just want to stay in bed. I imagine this is completely normal for someone going through what I am, but it is so damn frightening. It's a difficult place when you realize that you truly no longer care. I don't care where I'm going today, and I don't care where I'm going tomorrow. Life resumes it's day to day, regardless of where I stand. Even when you turn to people, they don't seem to care either. It's such a strange, and devastating place to be.

I'm not saying that I'm going to do anything stupid (because I'm not), but I just feel like I have become completely numb and apathetic to everything. I don't care what I eat, I don't care where I sleep. The only thing that I care about is that my daughter is fed, and safe. Otherwise, leave me alone. I feel alone. I feel empty.