Another rainy day...

Unfortunately, I've been sick this past week. Sickness means down time, which leads to time to think. That's all I've done, is think about you. While going through some of our things, I found a poem I wrote. It's not much, but it's my heart. I love you so much.

I pray in the morning,

That the sun will not shine.

I pray when I wake up,

You will still be all mine.

I kiss your soft cheeks,

And I stroke your fine hair.

I hold you tight in my arms,

My soul is yours to bare.

I see your first smile,

Your face sets me free.

I hold your tiny hand,

But all in my dreams.

I pray in the morning,

That the sun will not shine,

Because when that first ray touches,                      You are no longer mine.

Miss you with all of my heart,

Mommy

Just thinking of you....

Well, we've passed the four month mark. It seems as time has flew by, but at the same time it has dragged on. It is still such a confusing memory. It is one filled with horror, love, and bitter sweet times. I can't believe it has already been this long, but I still think of you every day. I know that I would have gotten to give you your first bite of baby food. Your big sister loved it, and I'm sure you would have, too. I think about which food we would have tried first, and how I would have let Marleigh help me. She loves helping, and gets so much gratitiude from it.

You would be learning to sit up, too. We would be doing lots of tummy time, and flash cards to show you bright new pictures and colors. I wonder what color eyes you would have. If they would have started off blue like your sisters, and then slowly turned brown like Mommy's and Daddy's. There were so many memories left to make, and sometimes I have a hard time letting go. I thank God for the time that I did have with you, and sometimes wish for more. But, I know my time will come. For this, I am forever grateful.

I love you so much Christopher, and I can't wait until the day we get to experience all of these first. I am already proud, and I know there is much more in store.

I am waiting for you, and I love you more than you will ever know.

Mommy

Happy Valentines Day!

Happy Valentines Day baby boy! Oh, how Mommy missed you today! I have thought about you oh so much the last few days. We got a whopping 4 inches of snow Friday! I thought of how I would have bundled you up, and how you would have reacted to the big snow flakes landing gently on your cheeks. I also thought about how I would have taken your picture beside your big sister, and beside the snowmen.

I hope you got to share Valentines with all of your heavenly friends, and that you got to think of me today, too. I know your big sister would have tried to sneak you candies, because she loves you so much. I can not wait until you both get to officially meet. You will be absolutely in love with her. She is the perfect big sister!

Your daddy and I got you a new gift the other day. It is so pretty, and I know that you have already seen it. It is a statue with a picture frame at the top, and a little lamb at the bottom that says "Jesus Loves Me". Reverend Ron Holland read that song at your memorial service, so I immediately thought of you when I saw it. I hope you like it, and I will be putting a picture in it soon.

I still find myself taking so long to get things accomplished. I guess on the days when I feel a little better, it is hard to bring myself back to reality. Therefore, I just ignore it. I know it is probably not the best thing to do, but it will come in it's own time. I know that for sure!

Well Christopher, I love you so much. I hope today was more beautiful than my imagination could ever let me know. I am waiting for you, and I will see you soon.

Love,
Mommy

Just thinking of you...

I am getting ready to go to work this morning, and I just can't seem to keep you off of my mind. I still think of you everyday, and I know you would have been so big by now. I'm sure you would be holding your head up, smiling, and cooing. Mommy is so sad that she has to miss all of that.

I know it is going to be a busy day today, so I won't get much time to think about myself. And, that is okay. Sometimes I wonder if people in heaven do really get to look down and watch over the people that they had to leave behind. If you do, what do you think of me?

Mommy

Your mama...the worrier.

Yesterday we found out that your big sister needs a xray. It's probably nothing serious, or possibly nothing at all. But, with you so fresh on my mind, I can't imagine ANYTHING being wrong with her. I guess we will find out Monday if all of my worrying has been in vain. (Which of course I hope it has).

Not much has changed since the last time I wrote you. Daddy is finishing up his last semester of school (with a lot of pushing from me) so that he can finally get a job doing something he half way enjoys. Plus he will finally get out of the environmental hazards that he is in everyday now with his job. Mommy is very proud of him, and I'm sure you are too. A few years ago it didn't seem like either one of us would ever finish college. Now Mommy is a nurse, and Daddy will soon be an industrial electrician. (It sounds so important doesn't it?)The both of us have definitely been through a lot these last few years, but we are so much stronger because of it, and because of you.

Daddy's birthday is coming up next month, and Mommy is trying to figure out some kind of way to make it special. He deserves it. But for now, we are just trying to get by one day at a time. It is not getting any easier without you here, but we are both learning to live again.

We both miss you so much, and love you more each day. I can't wait to see you again, and you know that I am waiting for you. Save me a special spot, and put in a good word for me! I love you oh so much.

Mommy

Beginning the new year...

I have thought of you often today. It is not a special occassion, and no special day to mention of. I just miss you. I am working on getting healthier, so that whenever God decides to bless our family with another little one, I will be ready. I am still working on the eating habits, but I have gotten better about exercising. It was really hard at first, but with some good music and a good book it is getting easier. It also gives me alone time to remember you.

We have some important days coming up, and I will tell you about them later. I am nervous, but it isn't anything that your daddy and I can't get through. We really enjoyed our trip to Tennessee, and the memories we created for you. Your daddy and I still love each other so much, and I am so proud to say that these hard days have not made us like each other any less.

We miss you so much, and I think of you all of the time. Wish your mommy luck to getting healthier, and send a little love my way.

I can't wait to hold you again, and I am waiting for you.

Mommy

Our date...

I know I haven't written in a while, but life has been really hectic lately. As you know, we have celebrated a lot of holidays and dates lately that have been really hard without you here. Today was the most important one of all. The last doctor's visit that we went to when you were alive, he told us that today would be the day that you would be scheduled to be born by c-section. But, of course things changed.

It was hard waking up this morning, not in bliss. We should have awakened with feelings of excitement, anxiety, and just pure joy. We didn't. We woke up knowing that today we wouldn't be meeting you for the first time, and it was hard.

I hope you got the flowers we sent you. I still think about you every day. Marleigh was excited to send you her flower, and she even has one of her own so that she can have one like you. The view was spectacular, and I have never felt closer to you since you've been gone.

I pray all of the time that God will bring me comfort, because most of the time I feel so lonely without you. I know in my heart that you are where you are suppose to be, but I also know as a mother that I would rather have you with me. Life is hard, and I'm glad you didn't have to live through the perils here. You are so blessed to have only known the life that you live. I will understand one day, but for now I still feel so hopeless. I miss you baby boy, and you will always be such a huge part of my heart.

Please wait for me, because I am waiting for you. I will see you soon, and please send your sister and daddy a lot of love today, because we miss you so much.

Mommy