One of the best and cruelest things I have learned over the past year is time. Time encompasses every aspect of our lives. It dictates our past, present, and our futures. It determines what we do today, and how we plan tomorrow. It sounds simple enough, but it is the reason that life is so hard.
Time has given me a second chance at life. It doesn't mend, but it makes our difficulties a little more tolerable. It gives us the opportunity to grow and to change. It gives us life.
Yet, time is also the factor that holds me back. Time does not stop when life is cast into oblivion. Time can not stop so that you can mourn your past. Time will not slow when you need a chance to mend.
If only for a moment, I wish that time would stand still so that I can mourn, heal, and begin to live again. But, for now I will fall back into time, and continue my life as it is scheduled to be.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Does GOD hate?...
Well, my little Junior, you now have a sibling in heaven with you. A brother, or a sister, I'm not sure. But they are with you now. I always thought that it was only possible to have "a" worst day of your life. I sure proved that wrong today. An experience that I thought I would only live once, repeated itself today. It was different of course, but now my heart has fallen to pieces.
After starting to pick the pieces of our lives again, your Daddy and I were dealt a blow today. Yes, we thought we were going for an ultrasound Tuesday to hear the beating of your new sibling's heart, but instead, we only heard the beating of our own.
Does GOD hate us??
I'm sure the answer is no, but after losing two children, it's hard to think otherwise. I'm broken, scarred, and apathetic to our lives ahead. One day I will be okay, but for today, I mourn our children.
After starting to pick the pieces of our lives again, your Daddy and I were dealt a blow today. Yes, we thought we were going for an ultrasound Tuesday to hear the beating of your new sibling's heart, but instead, we only heard the beating of our own.
Does GOD hate us??
I'm sure the answer is no, but after losing two children, it's hard to think otherwise. I'm broken, scarred, and apathetic to our lives ahead. One day I will be okay, but for today, I mourn our children.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Life today...
Well, Chris's truck broke down again today (too many times to count now), we can't afford our electric bill, and Chris and I both have what I think is bronchitis. But, I am still overjoyed! Why.....well because we are blessed. We are blessed in our hearts, in our souls, and in one other huge way. Secrets, secrets...... mine to keep!
I feel like the world is spinning around me, and I am standing still. My mind can not wrap around the days and weeks to come. I am thrilled and scared all at the same time. Life will never be the same, and it has not been for a while now. I am leaning on God to help us figure out the road ahead, and I know from experience that he will provide.
So, for now I will smile this crazy smile, and laugh on the inside. I might be a little crazy, but it is worth it.
I feel like the world is spinning around me, and I am standing still. My mind can not wrap around the days and weeks to come. I am thrilled and scared all at the same time. Life will never be the same, and it has not been for a while now. I am leaning on God to help us figure out the road ahead, and I know from experience that he will provide.
So, for now I will smile this crazy smile, and laugh on the inside. I might be a little crazy, but it is worth it.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Poor, pitiful me...
....or not. Life seems to look a little brighter these days (or shall I say most days). Beyond the fog that was my previous life, I have comfortably settled into a new one. It includes less friends, and a hatred for the telephone, but all in all a better outlook.
So, I am happy to report that yesterday we returned to a church for a second visit. (And not just because it was the only one we had ever been to! WOO!). It actually started with Chris announcing to me at 10:15 that he wanted to go to church. After several seconds of thinking "Holy moly, it's already 10:15, church starts at 11, I haven't even showered!", I happily obliged. After all, I never turn down a chance to go to church with my family (immediate family that is :)) It turned into 30 minutes of utter chaos, but we actually made it in time (well at least the sermon hadn't started yet). It was a nice. There was talk about how you need a support system to stand the storms. I guess that would have come in handy a few months ago, but I'll take it whenever I can get it.
Later, we ate lunch and then went to my new favorite store, Michaels! Woo hoo! I was able to buy entirely too much stuff for my new favorite hobby, crocheting! Yes, like little old lady crocheting. I'm even apparently good at it. (Maybe that's why I like it so much!) I've made baby blankets, baby jackets, booties, and even a little necklace for Marleigh. My ultimate intentions are to be able to be quick and good enough to make a stash to donate to the hospital I work at (and where I lost my son at) so that I can repay the love that was given to my baby. I will post pictures eventually of my creations! As for now, back into my little world full of crochet and the distant sounds of my little girl playing. As for tomorrow, a different story.
Tomorrow I get the pleasure of having more blood drawn, and probably more medication. (Like I haven't taken enough pills, and given enough blood this year). But, when your body hates you, these things happen. Who knows, maybe today will be full of miracles instead of utter disappointments. Hey, I have hope!
So, I am happy to report that yesterday we returned to a church for a second visit. (And not just because it was the only one we had ever been to! WOO!). It actually started with Chris announcing to me at 10:15 that he wanted to go to church. After several seconds of thinking "Holy moly, it's already 10:15, church starts at 11, I haven't even showered!", I happily obliged. After all, I never turn down a chance to go to church with my family (immediate family that is :)) It turned into 30 minutes of utter chaos, but we actually made it in time (well at least the sermon hadn't started yet). It was a nice. There was talk about how you need a support system to stand the storms. I guess that would have come in handy a few months ago, but I'll take it whenever I can get it.
Later, we ate lunch and then went to my new favorite store, Michaels! Woo hoo! I was able to buy entirely too much stuff for my new favorite hobby, crocheting! Yes, like little old lady crocheting. I'm even apparently good at it. (Maybe that's why I like it so much!) I've made baby blankets, baby jackets, booties, and even a little necklace for Marleigh. My ultimate intentions are to be able to be quick and good enough to make a stash to donate to the hospital I work at (and where I lost my son at) so that I can repay the love that was given to my baby. I will post pictures eventually of my creations! As for now, back into my little world full of crochet and the distant sounds of my little girl playing. As for tomorrow, a different story.
Tomorrow I get the pleasure of having more blood drawn, and probably more medication. (Like I haven't taken enough pills, and given enough blood this year). But, when your body hates you, these things happen. Who knows, maybe today will be full of miracles instead of utter disappointments. Hey, I have hope!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
A little bit of living...
So, this week we have done so much. Marleigh has a new playhouse, and Junior a new garden!
Plus, Chris and I got to go to the beach for our anniversary! We had SO much fun! It was the first time we have "gotten away" just the two of us, since losing our precious little one. The beach was beautiful, and GOD answered my prayers for a day of sunshine. When we woke up Monday morning, it was hazy and cloudy, and by 11 or so.......sunshine!
Plus, Chris and I got to go to the beach for our anniversary! We had SO much fun! It was the first time we have "gotten away" just the two of us, since losing our precious little one. The beach was beautiful, and GOD answered my prayers for a day of sunshine. When we woke up Monday morning, it was hazy and cloudy, and by 11 or so.......sunshine!
I brought my camera with me, and only took a few photos. But, I definitely got some special ones! Plus, we found this marvelous stuffed animal that includes naming a star online! Tomorrow I will register Marleigh and Junior to have their own star!! YAY! It's so amazing how such simple things mean so much these days!
Also, Daddy doesn't know it yet, but tomorrow we will be going to get some things to finish the garden. (Or maybe he will get lucky, and I won't torture him yet!)
One last thought, tomorrow (Yes, Cinco De Mayo!) is Chris and my anniversary! Four beautiful years. We've literally been through EVERYTHING, and we are still standing strong. Although we have had our share of arguements, God is good. Some days it is hard to see through the clouds, but we are blessed. I try to remind myself everyday that we have a roof over our heads, shoes on our feet, and we definitely have no shortage of food in our bellies. Sometimes I like to think I have the best of both worlds. A beautiful little girl that keeps me smiling everyday, and a perfect angel baby boy that awaits me when my time is done here. For this moment, life is good.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Turning over to a new chapter...
So baby boy, so much has happened and so much has changed these last few weeks. Yet, nothing really seems different at all. I've had bad weeks and good weeks, but all in all I think I'm okay.
I originally wrote this blog to share my thoughts and feelings with you, but now I think it is time to move in a different direction. I don't love you any less, or not want to talk to you anymore, but I think I am finally strong enough to talk to you out loud. Yes, I never thought I would say that, but it is true. It has been almost 6 months now, so Daddy and I are going to build you a garden so we can sit and chat. I'm sure it sounds silly to some people, but I am so excited. I will have a place all my own to sit and think of you. We will make it beautiful, just wait and see!
Your cousin Dakota turns 3 this weekend so we will be spending some of Sunday with him. Your other cousin Benjamin has a baseball game (that I would have LOVED to take you to) tomorrow, so we will be spending it with him. Your big sister Marleigh has a soccer game tonight, so we will be spending it with her. We both have a busy few days coming up, but I am glad. Mommy has been having some personal issues, so it will be nice to get out and have something else on my mind.
I will still be posting here, but it will be updates on the family, and future happenings to share with everyone. Mommy has a job where something new and crazy happens every day, so I'm sure there will be plenty to talk about. It just takes a toll on the body to dwell on sadness, so I am trying to move ahead and to stay positive. I will never forget you, replace you, or stop thinking about you.
I love you more than you could ever imaging, and I am still waiting for you. I can't wait to meet you again. I have so much to tell you and so much to teach you. I will see you again soon. Love you so much.
Mommy
I originally wrote this blog to share my thoughts and feelings with you, but now I think it is time to move in a different direction. I don't love you any less, or not want to talk to you anymore, but I think I am finally strong enough to talk to you out loud. Yes, I never thought I would say that, but it is true. It has been almost 6 months now, so Daddy and I are going to build you a garden so we can sit and chat. I'm sure it sounds silly to some people, but I am so excited. I will have a place all my own to sit and think of you. We will make it beautiful, just wait and see!
Your cousin Dakota turns 3 this weekend so we will be spending some of Sunday with him. Your other cousin Benjamin has a baseball game (that I would have LOVED to take you to) tomorrow, so we will be spending it with him. Your big sister Marleigh has a soccer game tonight, so we will be spending it with her. We both have a busy few days coming up, but I am glad. Mommy has been having some personal issues, so it will be nice to get out and have something else on my mind.
I will still be posting here, but it will be updates on the family, and future happenings to share with everyone. Mommy has a job where something new and crazy happens every day, so I'm sure there will be plenty to talk about. It just takes a toll on the body to dwell on sadness, so I am trying to move ahead and to stay positive. I will never forget you, replace you, or stop thinking about you.
I love you more than you could ever imaging, and I am still waiting for you. I can't wait to meet you again. I have so much to tell you and so much to teach you. I will see you again soon. Love you so much.
Mommy
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Your first Easter
Today I thanked God for many things. I thanked him for family, friends, food, clothing, and my beautiful children. I got to show you off Friday for the first time in a while. Someone asked me how many children I had, and they cared enough to let me show them the pictures I have of you. They will never know how much that meant to me.
I still think of you daily, and today was no different. Today would have been many firsts for you. You would have had your first Easter egg hunt, first Easter portraits, and your first time dying eggs. I would have taken hundreds of pictures, and included you in every event. Although I carried you with me, it was still not the same. Your big sister woke up this morning and got her Easter basket; she is always very enthusiastic about all her gifts. We lit your candle, and gave you your first Easter present. It wasn't much, but I immediately thought of you when I saw it. For whatever reason, every time I see little lambs I think of you. I guess it is our special secret. Here is the one I picked out for you.
I still think of you daily, and today was no different. Today would have been many firsts for you. You would have had your first Easter egg hunt, first Easter portraits, and your first time dying eggs. I would have taken hundreds of pictures, and included you in every event. Although I carried you with me, it was still not the same. Your big sister woke up this morning and got her Easter basket; she is always very enthusiastic about all her gifts. We lit your candle, and gave you your first Easter present. It wasn't much, but I immediately thought of you when I saw it. For whatever reason, every time I see little lambs I think of you. I guess it is our special secret. Here is the one I picked out for you.
I love you so much and would have much rather have had you here today. In between all of the chaos and the fun, I am still so grateful for what we have. But, boy is it hard without you here. You would have been, and you are my little prince. I will always treat you that way. Please save a place for me, because one day you will be in my arms. I can't wait to hold you again. I hope and pray that your Easter was the most wonderful celebration. I love you son, and miss you more than words can describe.
Mommy
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