Merry Christmas, Christopher, Jr.

Merry Heavenly Christmas my sweet angel. Mommy missed you so much today, and I kept looking for your face everywhere I went. I know you were beside me all day, because I could feel your comfort. Your big sister had such a busy day, and she was such a good little girl. Mommy is so proud of the little lady she is becoming. I know you would have been such a gentleman, too.

We lit your candle today everywhere we went, to have your warmth and peace with us this day. I know that you could feel us sending our love to you, because there is tons of it! Uncle David bought you a beautiful camel bone firetruck, I will show you pictures of it tomorrow. Daddy bought me that necklace that I've been wanting so badly; it is angel wings that I can put your ashes in so that I can carry you with me wherever I go. It is more beautiful in person than I could have imagined. Daddy also loved the gift he got from you, he has that picture sitting where everyone can see.

I hope the carols were beautiful, the cookies delicious, and the spectacles more spectacular than I can imagine. I know you spent Christmas in the most beautiful place of all, but Mommy still wishes you could have spent it here with me. I long for your touch, and I can't wait until the day that all of my dreams are fulfilled. Please wait for me beautiful angel, and please always remember that Mommy is waiting for you.

I am waiting for you daily, so please hold out your arms when I come. I will come with open arms, too.

Love always,
Mommy

Christmas Eve...

The house tonight is so quiet and lonely without you here. Your stocking is hung, and the presents are under the tree. But there is one major gift missing, and that my son is you. I miss you more now than ever. I long to hold you in my arms, and to kiss your little checks.

We received several gifts in your memory today, and I cried. They were all so beautiful and perfect, but bittersweet. To not be able to place them in your hands seems so cruel. At the same time, it feels so good to know that someone besides your daddy and I, are thinking of you.

Tonight's post is going to be a little shorter tonight than usual, mommy misses you dearly. I am trying so hard to be strong for your big sister, so please send many prayers and much love for your mommy and daddy tomorrow. I love you more than you could ever imagine.

I am waiting for you, and can not wait until the day we meet again. I love you little one.

Mommy

Christmas is getting closer...

Yesterday was a hard day. Mommy has been doing much better, but I still think of you everyday. We had our Christmas get together on your Nana's side of the family. Everyone didn't show up, which actually helped a little bit. But, things just didn't feel right to me. I didn't cry, I didn't mope, and I didn't act any different than normal, but I just felt like that was the wrong thing to do.

We only get presents for the children in our family, and Marleigh was the only child there this year. It felt so empty, and I just kept thinking that there should have been a present for you under that tree. I looked at every tag, and when the last present was gone, it was so real that you weren't there. You didn't get to celebrate with us this year, and it hurt so much.

The drive home was so hard. Your big sister was exhausted, and slept the whole way home. That means that I had the 30 minute drive to think about you, and it hurt. I cried and said prayers, and just wished that you were here. I've been trying so hard to only pray for safety, comfort, and thanks, but sometimes I just need to be near you.

God really is good, and he always knows how to time things perfectly. After that long drive home, I checked the mail. This is what I got.

Even though I cried forever after opening this, it was so comforting to know that we are loved by people here on this earth, and in heaven. I am so thankful for the many blessings and surprises I have in store for me. I love you so much baby boy, and I can't wait to meet you again.

I am waiting for you, and I pray that I will see you soon.

Mommy

Perfect big sister...

Good evening my precious little man. Boy how I missed you today. We took your big sister to see Santa, she was such a big girl. She sat so politely in his lap, answered all of his questions, and didn't even cry when I walked away. I couldn't help but get tears in my eyes when I saw her. It wasn't very long ago that she was learning to crawl and walk. I just wish that I could see you do the same. Your big sister wore a bell necklace that she made for you around her wrist so that you could be with us. Every time I heard it jingle in the store it just made me wish that you were there.

Your Mimi and Poppy took her to do arts and crafts at your great grandparents house Saturday. When they started making the ornaments, she stopped in the middle of it and asked for 2. When your Poppy asked her why, she told him "I need one for my baby brother". She is such a perfect big sister. I know she would have been so excited to help me change your diapers, to hold you, and to feed you.

All of the ones on the right side are for you. They even made them smaller, just like you are. She is so proud of her decorations. We have them all displayed so we can remember to thank God everyday for the both of you. Your daddy and I miss you so much. We got our ornament for you, too a few days ago. It is so beautiful like you!

Well baby boy, it is time for me to go to sleep. I have a busy day at work, and my mind is always filled with you. I love you so much, and miss you every minute of every hour of every day. I can't wait to see you again.

I am waiting for you, and I will see you soon.

Mommy

Christmas time...

Well, we finally put our Christmas tree up Sunday. Your sister had so much fun picking out a tree, and picking out an ornament for you. She did such a good job all by herself...

Now she looks up to the tree and exclaims "that's my brother's shoes!". She is so proud of her find, and so are we. You would have loved your ornament so much. We have a few for you, and they are all on the front and top of the tree, so everyone can see them. We still have one more coming in the mail, that Carter's mommy suggested, she got one for her little man, too. Now when I think of you, I can think of him and how much he is missed, too. It makes mommy feel good to know that she is not alone in this.

It was hard decorating without you,  because I know that I would have held you and helped you put your first ornament up just like your sister did when she was born. I would have taken so many pictures, because you never want to forget memories like those. But, unfortunately I don't get to make those memories with you, yet. But I did light a special candle for you, so we could feel your warmth and think of you. It was the closest I could get to having you there.

I also get to look at your tiny, perfect footprints evertime we light the tree, too. Jodi from NILMDTS sent this to us when she sent us your pictures, and I just love it. You can see the angel I bought you that says,

"Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy".

Now I can look up at the night sky and smile.

Remember Mommy and Daddy this Christmas, while we remember you. We miss you and love you so much. Oh, and Mommy donated a tool set today so that some little boy somewhere can have a happy Christmas, because of you. I am so proud of the work you have done in Mommy's life, whether it is happy or sad.

I am waiting for you precious, and I pray every day that God will keep you just the way you are so that when I get to heaven I can enjoy being your Mommy. I love you.

Mommy

M&Ms

Your big sister did greet me when I got to the door tonight, and it makes me feel so loved. I couldn't help but laugh tonight listening to her. I could hear her and your Daddy arguing over what our last name is. She is getting so smart, and she can tell you so much. Daddy asked her to tell him her name. She looked proud and she said "Marleigh!". Daddy asked her "Marleigh what?". She stood up big and tall and replied, "Marleigh Danielle". Daddy looked back at her and asked "Well what's your last name?". She stood a little taller and shouted "M&Ms!". Daddy tried so hard to teach her how to say "Williams". But, each time it just comes out "M&Ms!". They both couldn't help but to sit in the back room and giggle. You both would have been perfect together.


I can not help but wonder what you would look like now, and how much you would have grown. Your baby sister would help Daddy look after you while I was at work. I would be so excited to get home to hold you and rock you. I know that one day I will be able to, but I would give anything to do that now.

I also would have taught you so many things. Including how your name is "Christopher Eric M&Ms". I know you are just as smart as your sister! I love you so much, and I think of you every minute of every day.

Think of me often too, and know how much I love you. I am waiting for you, and I will see you soon.

Mommy

One day down, a lifetime to go...

Well baby boy, mommy did it. I tackled my first day back to work, and I wasn't even a complete mess. Of course I had a few tears, and a few rough moments. But, it is done. There were lots of hugs, a lot of "welcome back"s, and lots of "I'm sorry"s. It was okay though; I felt so much comfort in knowing that people knew that I was still grieving, and that it was okay. Going back was hard still, and I was completely exhausted by the end of the day. Mommy still has a hard time sleeping sometimes, and it is finally catching up with me.

I am starting to have some good days, but the bad ones still creep up. I missed you terribly today, and I almost lost it when I saw a precious baby boy with his mother in the store. Some days are harder than others, and today was definitely one of those. I did get to spend it with your daddy, and we did share plenty of time together.

We also got to spend a little time today looking for your Christmas ornament. We haven't put up a tree yet, and I'm having a really hard time getting motivated. I still want that perfect ornament for you when we finally do get it. You are still a huge part of my life, and I want to share that with you.

Well precious one, mommy is going for the night. Know that I love you and miss you with my heart and soul. I am waiting for you and I will see you soon.

Mommy