Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Change...

Over the past few months I have been embracing change, and what comes along with it. After a VERY rough year, things always seem to have a way of turning around. My husband's truck burst into flames, and the next day while trying to figure out what we're going to do, a fellow coworker informs me that he has an old truck that he was going to take to the junkyard. All he wants it's the price of scrap (which is dirt cheap). We of course said yes, and now my husband is driving in an old, beat up, God send. The truck is reliable, and it needs less work than the truck he was in. Of course it is nothing to marvel at, but it cranks every time, and we are sooo thankful for it.

In a few weeks, I will be changing jobs as well. Something new, innovative, and I am scared out of my mind. But, I know this opportunity was placed in my path for a reason. I'm sure I will struggle at first, but I know in the future, that this will all come together.

We have definitely learned to embrace hardships, and to always look around the corner. Even in the worst of times, things always seem to find a way to work themselves out (even if it is not in the way we had hoped for). My family and I are not wealthy in money in the least bit, and we struggle from check to check, but we are incredibly blessed. When we don't know where our next payment is coming from, something comes around. I can't begin to explain the blessings that we have seen.

I know that there will always be things we won't understand here on earth, and I will never pretend to try. But God always, always, always seems to pull us out. For that, I am so thankful.....even in the worst of times. For today, life is good.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

My Son (originally posted 9-16-09)

I haven't been able to talk about him much, not because I don't care, but because it hurts so much. I've had bad days and my share of battle scars, but nothing compares to these last weeks, and I'm sure the ones to come.

I spent the last 7 months in absolute baby bliss. My coworkers and family all shared in daily updates from what foods I had been craving, to how big my belly had grown that day. Not a single person that I passed during the days failed to mention something about my beautiful growing baby boy.

What seemed to be an absolutely perfect pregnancy, came crashing down on October 24, 2009. My husband had to get up early for work; a little after 4 am. I woke up when he did with an absolute feeling of dread. I poked, and I probed, and I pushed as hard as I could. My baby didn't push back. He was always so active and full of life, so when I didn't get his response I knew in my heart. I came to my husband in tears, and he immediately called his mother to watch our little girl.

The time it took us to get to the hopsital was some of the longest moments of my life. It was almost 6 am when we arrived. My husband continued to reassure me, as I reassure him that everything was not "alright". The nurses came in to listen to my baby's heartbeat, but the only one that they could get was mine. After several attempts, and several different nurses, they notified my doctor. He was on his way to do an ultrasound.

After several more dreaded minutes, the doctor arrived. I tearfully had to explain to him why I was there, and how my baby was not moving like I knew he should. He found our baby on ultrasound, and he proceeded to show my husband our baby's heart. I could not see the monitor, so I quickly asked "is it beating?". That's when the doctor looked at me with a face that I will remember forever, and he said what I as a mother already knew...."no". I lost it.

The next few moments were spent with tears and questions that we never could have been prepared to answer. Which funeral home to use, questions of autopsy, and so on. Our lives were turned upside down in an instant. A week to the day before, we were just celebrating our little girl's third birthday. She was expecting a baby "brotha". So what now? This page is dedicated to my son, and these are the words that I can't seem to say outloud.